Betty ford says i'm here all night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
