Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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