Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
