I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
