dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
