someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I want to be your penis for a week.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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