I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
