i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
