You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
