I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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