thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
handjob tips. give me some.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
