Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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