Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
