She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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