i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
