apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
