Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
