I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
