dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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