Is it normal to miss your booty call?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
