I am spending my child support on dildos
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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