The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
