burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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