How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
