I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
