go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
