Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
