Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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