Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
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Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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