So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
