Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
