dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
