I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
