my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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