The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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