you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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