I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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