Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
