If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
