I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
