Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
