Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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