There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
