I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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