Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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