If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
