I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
