Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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