Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
