Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
