Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
