Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
