These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
