okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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