What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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