ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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