By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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