Texts From Last Night

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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely

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  (423): Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely http://tfl.nu/wliv
  Replies (37) Good night (671) Bad night (4246)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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  (425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1
  Replies (34) Good night (10283) Bad night (888)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

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  (407): I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk. http://tfl.nu/exk9
  Replies (25) Good night (6703) Bad night (1108)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?

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  (870): It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you? http://tfl.nu/rq03
  Replies (2) Good night (1128) Bad night (3315)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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  (781): then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints" http://tfl.nu/ml68
  Replies (12) Good night (6522) Bad night (1099)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.

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  (724): It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution. http://tfl.nu/mzdu
  Replies (0) Good night (843) Bad night (2548)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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  (612): Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things. http://tfl.nu/vads
  Replies (9) Good night (4363) Bad night (1670)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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  (616): I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate. http://tfl.nu/d8ay
  Replies (4) Good night (1493) Bad night (493)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.

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  (217): Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister. http://tfl.nu/slb6
  Replies (9) Good night (1717) Bad night (586)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.

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  (716): I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king. http://tfl.nu/29xr
  Replies (7) Good night (1440) Bad night (625)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT

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  (306): someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT http://tfl.nu/vqqx
  Replies (6) Good night (415) Bad night (735)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.

  (469): View more from Texas

  Tequila happens.

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  (214): We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night. (469): Tequila happens. http://tfl.nu/nyc9
  Replies (2) Good night (685) Bad night (360)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?

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  (412): I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630? http://tfl.nu/wg1y
  Replies (0) Good night (546) Bad night (447)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day

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  (206): I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day http://tfl.nu/hum6
  Replies (5) Good night (812) Bad night (316)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.

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  (860): Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister. http://tfl.nu/yhbd
  Replies (2) Good night (335) Bad night (199)

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