I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay