when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
