literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
