So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
