So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I've blown a few things in my day
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize