You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
