happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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