Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
